Report by Daniel Mortlock and Jim Streeter on the 16:12 from Etchingham to London:
The now traditional late-season game against the Grannies began - or, really, failed to do so - with the now traditional demonstration of Xeno's Paradox: 12:30pm was agreed well in advance; then, a few hours out, the Grannies' match manager Will Siebert updated us with the news that his guys would be ready for a 12:45pm start, which was roughly when the coin was tossed, at which point word went out that play would begin at 1pm. The first ball was, of course, delivered about five minutes after that.
Faced with some decent bowling on a tricky pitch, our top order of Jim Streeter (23 off 28 balls), Dave Kittow (6 off 20 balls) and captain Jamie Scott (21 off 40 balls) did pretty well, taking us to 60/2 after 13 of 35 overs. However, when the Grannies slowed down their bowling our scoring rate responded in kind, just 29 runs coming from the next 10 overs, as Harry Houlder and "Jaimie" Dare (7* off 22 balls and 6* off 23 balls at this stage) both struggled to do more than knock the occasional single. Still, playing conservatively was better than throwing their wickets away, and they eventually reaped the rewards of their patience, making 35 off 52 balls and 33 off 43 balls (top two scores of the day) before both being dismissed by Stoney, purveying for the Grannies. The second of these wickets brought in Cliff Dare in the final over with with four balls left, the first of which he aimed into the two metre gap between the boundary line and the trees (which counted only as a four), hitting the target with the precision of Luke Skywalker bulls-eyeing womp rats in his T-16 back home. Our late run spurt took us to 155/6, which, while hardly an imposing total, was at least something we could work with.
We had an ideal start to our defense, with Daniel Mortlock (2/12) bowling the Grannies' young opener in the first over, after which we largely kept a lid on their scoring rate, which never got above 4 an over . . . although we also started dropping catches - if a few of those had stuck we'd have been able to kill the game off there and then. FAS first-timer Joe Day (1/22) showed himself to be a fast-learner: having immediately realised we couldn't be trusted in the field, he instead opted to bowl the Grannies' number three with his first ball for FAS. Displaying serious pace and bounce, he didn't concede a run until his third over, at which point the fantasy ended as he lost his vertical hold, sending down - or at least across - a waist-high full toss which passed Siebert Snr amidships and induced a surprisingly protracted bout of finger-wagging from our sometime FAS team-mate. Things got worse a few overs later when Joe added to the now team-wide dropsy epidemic when he shelled a moderately-difficult, but definitely catchable, chance - bad enough of itself, but made so much worse by the fact it was off the bowling of Cliff. It was at around this time we were becoming resigned to defeat: after 20 overs the Grannies were 80/3, with two well-set batters at the crease and some 90 balls to score the 76 runs they still needed.
More important than the scoreboard situation, however, was that Joe's drop, combined with the fact that he'd been hit for 15 from his first two overs, had "deployed the Cliff", who then started steaming in (both figuratively and literally), taking 4/8 from his next 4 overs, a match-winning spell which was his best since the early noughties. With Scottie (2/25) also taking a couple of wickets, we'd all but won the game - the only remaining barrier was Tahir Khan, who was batting as well as he bowled earlier in the day to keep the Grannies up with the run rate. When Tahir connected well with another big drive it seemed that would take the Grannies within 40 runs, only for Joe D. to come swooping around from long-off, ignoring the handicap of his curtain-like fringe, to complete a match-winning catch - sporting redemption in a form which perhaps only cricket can provide.
The last rites were then delivered (yes, again in both senses) by our own "pound shop Chris Woakes", Charlie Prifti. A couple of wides gave Cliff a chance to convert his nickname to a range of different currencies, after which he bowled the Grannies number eleven for what was recorded in the scorebook as a "GOLDEN DUCK". Charlie finished with tidy figures of 1/3 and we'd taken the last 7 Grannies wickets for 35 runs to win by an implausibly comfortable margin of 39 runs.
With the Sunday fixture against Gills Green in more than just serious doubt - their overnight contingent of three players had gone down to two during the day - this was likely a mighty satisfactory end to the 2024 FAS Kazaam, a true team victory on a glorious late summer's day in an idyllic setting (with no appearance from the deranged local cafe owner). After a few convivial pints in the local it was time to head back to the (other) Mill, secure in the knowledge of a job well done.
Report by a Granny
The Grannies won the toss and on a green and rather damp wicket, elected to bowl first.
Tahir Khan set about making the most of conditions, bowling a fearsome spell of left arm seam from the pavilion end. His efforts were blunted initially by some obdurate play from the opposition openers, (both of whom are also Grannies) but after the lacker was seen off the ball, it started to swing and Khan was duly rewarded, removing both openers before the score had reached 35. Finishing with an impressive 2 for 12 from his 6.
After the loss of early wickets and an encouraging spell from Josh Bisdee, the F&S set about rebuilding their innings. Miserly bowling from Archie Clarke and Hugo (The Agent) Orange restricted their efforts well beyond drinks.
However, after an impressive few overs, in true Grannies fashion - excellent ground fielding and solid bowling from Dave Amato was interspersed with questionable catching, further hampered by a laissez faire attitude to fielding positions from some on the side. Letting the F&S back into the game and allowing them to post a respectable 155 for 6 in their 35 overs.
Following a restorative tea, the Grannies top order set about chasing the target with grit and determination. Amato and Oscar Fountain working hard for their runs - only for both to be dismissed when set, leaving the Grannies 36 for 3. Our ship was wobbling and Monty Clarke and Matt Siebert duly steadied it, adding 45 for the 4th wicket.
When Clarke was dismissed, the Grannies were still in a relatively comfortable position, plenty of batting left in the shed and time on our side. However, it was not to be our day.
Oliver Castle was the first to go, dismissed by another Granny, a remarkably amiable Lt. Col Dare. We really do mellow with age. In truth, Castle's downfall was brought about by both a good spell of bowling and his own impressive predictive powers. Earlier that morning, channeling his inner Nostradamus, he had told his family he was 'off to Kent to drop a catch and get 0.' If only he had the same insight into that week's lottery numbers.
Alex Stone and Tahir battled on, getting the Grannies within striking distance of the target but were both dismissed before momentum could properly build. The F&S eventually winning by 39 runs and leaving the score at 2 a piece in the 4 year history of this fixture, roll on next year!