Report by Daniel Mortlock:
A week ahead of match day this fixture got its own bespoke WhatsApp group in order to broadcast the unwelcome news that "Grannies are having difficulties raising a team for Saturday. Will [Siebert] says 3 have dropped out so only have 6 players" with the excuses provided extending very much to the baroque (e.g., "I'm at the National Police Museum Conference in Birmingham"). Some tireless recruiting turned the six back into nine and then "at 10 currently though if history as a guide I'm giving a spread of 6-11 turning up". By this stage FAS was having its own numeracy problems that were eventually solved by the astonishing discovery that Prifti is great friends with Joss's neighbour (although still about a mile from Slip Mill) whose son, Will Pearse, was quickly added to the mix. That we ended up with more Grannies in our side, with regulars Scotty, Big Jim, Stoney and Joss (along with one-timer Morty) all on the FAS team sheet, was merely the final absurdity in what might euphemistically be called the pre-match "planning".
Come the day, however, we ended up with the miracle of not only two full sides on paper, but some 23 players in place at Newenden and ready a mere half hour after the nominal start time of 12:30pm. This was in stark contrast to previous editions of this fixture when FAS was forced to field first to simply get the game going, and seemed to allow the possibility of a coin toss. But some traditions die hard, and for some reason Jim, skippering today, again agreed to let the Grannies set a target. This decision was greeted with horror primarily because it was extremely hot: the forecast was for temperatures of 30+ all day, and any putative cooling from the nearby River Rother was negated by the increased humidity.
For most of our time in the field things were pretty even. The only bowler to take multiple wickets was prodigal spawn Charlie Prifti (2/41 in his first bowling spell since his previous FAS game in 2015), although perhaps the most brilliant piece of cricket by our attack was when, having completed an economical opening spell of 0/18, Jamie Dare suddenly started feeling "twinges" in his back and promptly went off to spend the rest of the innings in the shade while Joss fielded/sweltered in his place. And, while the other bowlers had been decent enough at this stage, the really good work was being done in the field: Alex Stone took two effortless-looking catches (although he did drop a sitter after his attention had wandered and he had to be alerted to the approaching ball); Ben Kittow followed a superb diving stop with a fast and accurate throw to 'keeper Chris Barras to have one of the Grannies best ringers run out by yards; and Charlie added a catch of his own off a well-hit cut.
With the score 111/4 and only 8 of their 35 overs remaining, the Grannies might have been a little concerned - the groundsman had suggested a par score of 200-odd on what is a tiny ground, even with the ludicrous local rule, adopted by us today, that it's only a six if the ball both clears the boundary on the full and ends up in the river . . . which makes it even more horrifying to report that the Grannies' fifth wicket pair scored 90 runs from the remaining 48 deliveries - it would have been around 110 if they hadn't been awarded just four runs for every towering shot into the trees or onto the road. The latter resulted in a couple of metallic "donks" from leather striking car door - and then some similarly inhuman noises from the owner of the nearby pizza cafe, apparently livid that people continue to play cricket on a ground which has some claim to being the oldest in the country (depending primarily on whether the word "creag" is an early form of "cricket"). Annoyingly, his protestations can't be dismisssed entirely as he is also apparently the head of the local Parish Council - so all strength to Newenden CC in what looks set to be an existential fight.
After having regrouped and rehydrated over tea we set about pursuing the target of 202 for victory, with at least some hope from the sense that there were plenty of runs to be had for any batter who could get themselves in . . . unlike our top order, who got themselves out - or, more correctly, were got out by the Starc-like in-swingers of Tahir Khan, who had figures of 3/1 at one point. (It could have been worse given that the Grannies' ECB-registered umpire admitted to Dave Kittow that he would have given him out LBW first ball if it had been a league match.) After three consecutive wicket maidens we were on 13/4, after which a 22-run partnership represented a technical recovery to 35/5 but no real thoughts of victory.
If anything, our thoughts were of some early pints at the pub, only for such fantasies to be scuppered by two of the club's best batters (3rd and 6th in the averages of players with 1000+ runs) and, perhaps even more importantly, canniest cricketers. Jamie Scott and Chris Barras put on a superb 116-run partnership off just 83 balls, defending the good ones and punishing the dross (most of which was short and hence pulled by Scottie). Perhaps the best indication of our dominance was the return of the much missed Will Siebert "tantruppeal", a hybrid construction in the same category as Stuart Broad's "celebrappeal", but with the distinction that, rather than pre-empting an affirmative decision by the umpire, it follows a negative decision, finishing with the bowler prostrate and beating his fists on the pitch in howling disbelief.
Mid-way through the 24th over we were 151/5, meaning we had 69 balls to score 51 runs and were surely favourites, a position we probably retained even after Chris missed a straight one to be bowled for an invaluable 38 (off 36 balls). Ben Kittow went in with clear (if obvious) instructions to just to put bat on ball to get Scottie on strike; BK played as instructed but, unfortunately, the ball had started stopping and popping off the now extremely dusty pitch, and the result was that bat and ball had very little to do with each other for the next half an hour. There was at least some compensation from the fact that the ball was almost as averse to making contact with the wicket-keeper's gloves - four times the ball beat everything to go all the way to the boundary. After BK was finally put out of his misery (for 2 off 30 balls, the slowest FAS innings on record) we needed 23 off 18 balls - tricky, but at least Scottie was on strike . . . only to be bowled (for a defiant 89 off 83 balls) during our second collapse of 3/0 in the innings (another unwelcome club record). In the end we didn't even last our overs as the Grannies ran out deserved winners by 17 runs.